This post is LONG overdue and by long overdue I mean it was supposed to go into labor months ago.
Where do I start? Do I start with the part where I literally had a stress induced seizure..was rushed to the hospital bleeding from my nose and not knowing what the fuck was going on? Or do I start with the endless phone calls from the most insensitive collection agencies while you sit clueless wondering how in the fuck did I get in that much debt? OR wait… even better… do I start with the fact that my shit of an expensive degree has gotten me no where... while I'm making a measly $12 an hour, living in a 1000 a month closet of an apartment (seriously ask any NYer I’m actually getting a good deal here) and in debt with not just student loans but over 10k+ in credit cards?
Hmm... How about I start with an introduction? I’m in my late 20s, born and raised in sunny so cal and living in the bitter east coast, which isn’t the bad part actually… it’s actually my saving grace believe it or not. I am from an upper middle class family… yeah yeah that sounds great… it’s not actually… I may be in the upper tier of the social class but my poor parents not only have declining businesses to take care of but also a few spoiled children… Yes I admit it... I’m spoiled… doesn’t make me any less deserving to rant okay?!?
There’s different types of spoiled… let’s get this straight... there’s the feed me because my arms apparently don’t fucking work kind of spoiled… there’s the I NEED these and I BETTER get this because I DESERVE this kind of spoiled… there’s the I can’t do this and I won’t do this so do it for me kind of spoiled… there’s the lazy.. build an empire for me and let me stick my name on it while looking for a rich suitor kind of spoiled and then there’s me… the I know if I ever need to be bailed out and need money kind of spoiled… but listen… my parents are my EXTREME last and I mean LAST lifeline… I don’t want their help… I know I have it… which is more fortunate than those who don’t have a family or parents they can rely on... but I honestly don’t want it, because I want to do what my parents did for themselves, with less than what I have, and they made it… I want to create an empire solely on my own.. so I know I broke the typical orange county stuck up mold most “friends” of mine still live in.
I thought I was smart… made the right choices… When I chose to go to a popular fashion private school… I thought I finally picked something that resonated with me… the place was like Disneyland, the advisers said things like “pretty pretty pretty… dreams come true…. Prettyyyyyyyy... fashion…. Yay!” and my eyes glazed over… it was probably after month 2... I was like WHAT.THE.FUCK did I do?!?!? I couldn’t back out of my surprisingly paid for generously from my bank, tuition… take that up with Bank of America… was probably what was written on every persons stern face in the financial aid office… Nothing was "pretty pretty pretty… dreams come true… yay!!” everything was “fuck... shit... fuck… who… why? Are you kidding me?” it was probably until my last quarter there where I was heavily involved with student council and the school magazine that I actually gave 2 shits... probably more like 1.5 but 2 sounds better. Meanwhile I worked my entire time there because cars are expensive… gas is expensive and parking there was like $20 a day. FML! I took advantage of 1 “internship” which was basically running coffee and errands for the overly rich alum...who’s parents bought her a clothing line and magazine that she featured herself in every… damn… month. Umm okay?! That got me what kind of experience? None.
Let me tell you non-Cali folk one thing... LA sucks… it’s just a pipe dream of the entertainment industry... work your asses off but be screwed over by some ditz who got her own reality show and danced with some stars.. Scratch that she was the star that danced with what’s his name... who has worked his entire life to be a world renowned dancer but we don’t know his name because our society is fucked… while she’s skipping in her 5 million dollar mansion wearing a 15 carat ring engaged to that basketball player because she said “I hate that bitch” on MTV and now has 5 clothing lines, 10 books and 2 movie deals… okay I’m exaggerating A LOT but take what I said and name like 2 nobodies who are now somebodies because MTV got bored of music and decided to make skanks rich for being trash… phew. Now that that’s off my chest… back to grind…
Here I am… with a glittered diploma (because it’s a fashion school duh) in debt... can’t barely pay my rent or bills mind you… getting threatening calls from collection agencies wanting your money for the degree you aren’t even proud of mentioning from a school your embarrassed to talk about..
“Umm I can’t even pay my rent!”
“Not our problem”
“Umm I can’t even pay my credit cards!”
“That’s too bad”
“Umm I just paid a hospital bill for a cat scan because I don’t have medical insurance”
NO YOU FUCKING SUCK… Yes I said that to one of the emotionless collection advisers. I don’t give a shit anymore… you know how I fucking got to this place? Well let me explain… Here I am thinking I’m smart… when Sallie Mae and her evil step sisters/minions keep calling me from unknown numbers from area codes that match mine... smart Ms. Mae... smart… I have put all my loans in deferment and forbearance… well Sallie Mae's ass decides to pull the “you can’t sit with us” move on 2 of my unfortunate loans… so those 2 loans decide to be shipped off and live with another evil step mother that I don’t even know her name… Sallie neglected to mention this new living arrangement with these loans original caregiver… me… and now she’s leaving my ass in collections… Fuck you Sallie Mae… seriously! So while I sit here unknowingly waving from my hourly dumb ass retail job that any uneducated high school senior can do… and is probably doing as I type this… my credit score keeps going down and my payments and interests keep going up.. Bravo government… bravo!
The only good choice I’ve made is NY… I thank you NY for really changing me… for taking this naive OC girl and giving me a real backbone... now that’s a decision I don’t regret… I may not be where I want to be career wise I definitely am where I’m meant to be city wise. NY has taught me a lot… first I never cursed… probably a habit I should stop… but I was always some ones welcome and exit mat... they’d use and abuse me all because I could never stand up for myself… well good news mom and dad… though I know you’ve raised me to be a prime and well spoken young adult… I am all those things… except with a bit more edge… I will not settle... I will say NO when I should say no and I will do what I need to do to get to where I want to be… and I mean that in a no way… horrific porno/drug induced movie kind of way… I will take every opportunity but always reading the fine print and I will make it... I know I will... I’m so close I can taste it… so I sit here cursing Sallie Mae and her minions… and putting more needles in the voodoo dolls of that ratchet fashion school and those reality TV skanks that I made and burning that glittery degree with my middle finger in the air… fuck you if you don’t believe in me because I sure as hell do.