Laughing To Keep From Crying

A heavy weigh felt like it was dropped on my shoulders as I stood in front of a Wells Fargo ATM machine, withdrawing my last $20 bill from my account. I took the money and quickly stashed it carefully into my wallet. ‘This is it,’ I thought to myself. As I walked home, carrying the very last change I have left to my name, I couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of calmness. With my shoulders still dropped and my head down, I wondered why I wasn’t at the brink of tears. This $20 has to last me for the next 3 days until I finally get paid. Wouldn’t that make one nervous? But I wasn’t crying. Nope. I wasn’t anxious or nervous, or even worried. Have I finally become numb enough to not feel anything anymore?

It has been 6 months since I have been “let go” from the company I had been working for since my move to New York City and 4 months since I have been off Unemployment. I have been living—literally—paycheck to paycheck, stretching every penny as far as I could, and have yet to secure a real, full time job that’ll put me back above the poverty line. Has my life really come to this? Yes. Do I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom? I don’t know. Right now I can’t feel a thing. Again, no tears.

That same morning, I had an interview with a company I am hoping to work for. The interview was informal and held over coffee at the café inside the New York Times building. I couldn’t even afford my own cup of coffee. It was $2.72. You have to laugh. It was 2 fucking dollars and seventy-two fucking cents and my card got declined. In this situation, you can't cry. You really have to laugh. I'm still waiting to hear back about the job.

Two nights before that, I was woken up from my sleep from completely crashing onto the floor as I realized the $30 bed frame I had bought from IKEA a year ago had decided to give out and break in some odd pieces. ‘SHIT,’ I said loudly in my head as I scrambled to pick myself up in the middle of the dark. I cannot afford a new bed, I told myself. But who’s crying. I’m not crying.

Some days before that, I found myself standing in front of an angry, screaming hair client who was hilariously upset that her appointment was 20 minutes late and wrongly blaming me for it. I’ve about had it with these over-privileged, entitled Manhattan women. I don’t remember saying much to her except wondering why I hadn’t vocally cussed her out and walked out on the job. But still, no tears.

A week before that, a statement came in the mail from Sallie Mae, threatening my account to go into default from my months of over delinquency. The minimum payment has reach $1500 per month. Default means they can now go straight into my paycheck each month and take out money. Is this a laughing matter? Absofuckinglutely not. But am I laughing? Yes. Why? I’m laughing to seal in the embarrassment. I’m laughing to repel the rejection. I’m laughing to justify the disappointment. I’m laughing to numb the pain. I’m laughing to push back the tears.

I am laughing to keep from crying.

Life is Sh--

Having my first cup of coffee before leaving the apartment for work, I wonder when the rain is going to stop falling. I cannot wait for a change; after all, at least something in my life has to transform, right? Although I have only been living in NYC for 8 months, it felt as if I been here for 8 years. I understand that I sound very dramatic right now; but in life; there are these moment where you wonder how different things could have been.

NYC -- the big apple, big enough for every body to have a little piece.  I am trying to get a piece of the big apple too- although I prefer orange. Being 21 and living in NYC is what lots of young individuals wish to accomplish. However, let me break the truth to all of you dreamers; in NYC, if you don’t have millions sitting in the bank, then your life is sh**.  I know that I am being a negative Nancy and life isn’t that bad, like my friend said, “From where you are standing, life aren’t bad.”  But when one have so much hope and expectation for yourself, life is sh** from anywhere.

            I am currently living paycheck to paycheck. Although there are no regrets of what I’ve done; I always wish that things would of turn out for the better. I am waiting for that big break from the world, that big moment when life will give me a corner stone to build that big pyramid to reach the top. Waiting to make the next step...

--Anonymous FIDM grad, Fashion Design 2011

Waiting for Superman...?

In response to "Waiting for Superman"

When I was a student at FIDM, I had my worries and angst too. I am now a graduate, living in New York City. Alas, those worries still linger as I am only a recent grad, working my way up. I understand completely everything that the above blog post addresses--and I believe that this is something that should be voiced out, however, one thing that I'd like to add is that it's not JUST us. Singling out FIDM as a school where its grads "aren't getting jobs" or instructors "aren't fully qualified" may hold truth to only a limited extent. I have voiced out these same concerns to my friends, friend from other schools... Cal State's, UC's, private 4-year schools, and Ivy-League schools.... I have friends who have graduated from prominent Universities stressing to me that it's not just me or any FIDM grads... "We're not getting jobs either" and "it's not JUST the apparel industry"... the jobless crisis has hit ALL.
Of course we can't expect to get the DREAM JOB right after graduation, but what we're up against during this interesting economic time is an even bigger issue. Some blame may rightly begin at the schools (e.g. "waiting for superman") but our current, depressing economic state as a country has colossally effected the job market--especially the design and luxury business. And I am not trying to justify anything either, I am only bringing to light another factor as to why our Alums may still be juggling with unemployment concerns. Again, I am NOT choosing sides. I appreciate the perspectives that other students share via thefidmlife blog so I encourage you all to keep sending them. This is YOUR chance to be heard.

- thefidmlife founder

I love Fashion September

...in New York City!

In a matter of 3 weeks, I've had the honor of meeting some of my favorite people in fashion and seeing in person some of the greatest, iconic fashion idols EVER.


That honor came a couple weeks back when I met Nina Garcia, Fashion Director of Marie Claire magazine. I didn't tell you all this before but I actually interviewed with MC for a fashion editorial internship--one that I had to turn down because I couldn't dedicate more than 3 days due to a full time job. However, I loved meeting Nina. Despite her catty, zero-tolerance attitude on Project Runway, this woman is so charming and sweet in person. She's so modest, too. I'm so much of a bigger fan today after meeting her!

Then Fashion's Night Out in September: I was a lucky attendee of FNO: The Show--an event that took place at Lincoln Center and brought out some of the biggest names in fashion. It was the night I stood next to Anna Wintour. Yes, THEE Anna Wintour and I nearly fell over. There was a single, special moment when she looked over at me and I swear I was going to DIE. I could almost feel her death stare literally piercing through her dark Chanel shades. After mingling with other fashion aficionados, I had the privilege of meeting so many great industry insiders including: the fantastic Grace Cottington, the very cute designers of Proenza Schouler, Michael Kors, Jason Wu, Style.com's Candy Pratts Price, and Diane von Furstenberg. It was a night to remember and a FIDM girl's dream...The runway show itself, if you saw in live-streaming, was just AMAZING. Sorry, I have no other words to describe it. Every key trend for fall was right on the beat. Hats off to Anna and the Vogue team. My jaw was on the floor outfit after outfit.

Then came New York Fashion Week: Although I wasn't exactly in the tents (or the "studio" / "theater" now that it's been moved to Lincoln Center), when FASHION WEEK is going on in your city, how could you not stop by and watch? :) I sure did!

It was such a surreal moment for me... just people-watching. I couldn't help but think to myself: Here is where it all happens! Fashion is so alive here. I was so inspired. I felt like I was in fashion heaven!! Fashionistas wearing Balenciaga, Balmain, Celine, Louboutins, Birkins... all walked by as eye-candies for me.
Then I spotted Sarah Rutson walking out. Sarah is the Fashion Director of Lane Crawford, a store in Hong Kong that I've admired, researched, and studied thoroughly and did countless projects on during my FIDM years. Of course, my immediate reaction is "OMG OMG OMG! Is that...?! STFU! NO WAY!" But instinctively, I got up and ran after her. I didn't know what to say when I reached her but thankfully she was sweet enough to stop and talk to me. AHHHHH!!! :)

You know the feeling of not wanting to meet an idol or a celebrity because of fear that they won't be as pleasant in person as they are in your head? Well, this wasn't the case. Sarah was genuinely kind and as I stupidly ranted about her career and blah blah blah blah... she stopped to ask me my name, what I wanted to do, and if I'm studying fashion. Trust me, I'm still dying. What a DREAM!

Others spotted at Lincoln Center: Rachel Zoe (celebrity stylist), Linda Fargo (Berdorf Goodman), Robbie Myers & Joe Zee (Editors of ELLE), Joanne Coles (Marie Claire), Simon Doonan (Barney's), Carine Roitfeld (Paris Vogue), Virgina Smith (Vogue), Miss Jay (ANTM), Karl Lagerfeld, and Daphne Guinness (she almost gave me a heart-attack...I LOVE her).

As I'm still living off this Fashion Week's high, I'll tell you this much... Don't sit around waiting for things to happen. They call it "chasing your dreams" for a reason. For me, it was a dream come true to be in the presence of many fashion's greatness. But you won't be seeing me holding my breath or waiting for something big to happen next. If I want to get to where I want to be, I have a lot of work to do. The best is yet to come because I'm still very new in this industry and there's still SO MUCH to learn. In the meantime, with all my new material, I'm able to keep my style blog up again!

Until next time.
xoxo,
FIDM Blog Girl from thefidmlife
(& FIDM grad!)