Laughing To Keep From Crying

A heavy weigh felt like it was dropped on my shoulders as I stood in front of a Wells Fargo ATM machine, withdrawing my last $20 bill from my account. I took the money and quickly stashed it carefully into my wallet. ‘This is it,’ I thought to myself. As I walked home, carrying the very last change I have left to my name, I couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of calmness. With my shoulders still dropped and my head down, I wondered why I wasn’t at the brink of tears. This $20 has to last me for the next 3 days until I finally get paid. Wouldn’t that make one nervous? But I wasn’t crying. Nope. I wasn’t anxious or nervous, or even worried. Have I finally become numb enough to not feel anything anymore?

It has been 6 months since I have been “let go” from the company I had been working for since my move to New York City and 4 months since I have been off Unemployment. I have been living—literally—paycheck to paycheck, stretching every penny as far as I could, and have yet to secure a real, full time job that’ll put me back above the poverty line. Has my life really come to this? Yes. Do I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom? I don’t know. Right now I can’t feel a thing. Again, no tears.

That same morning, I had an interview with a company I am hoping to work for. The interview was informal and held over coffee at the café inside the New York Times building. I couldn’t even afford my own cup of coffee. It was $2.72. You have to laugh. It was 2 fucking dollars and seventy-two fucking cents and my card got declined. In this situation, you can't cry. You really have to laugh. I'm still waiting to hear back about the job.

Two nights before that, I was woken up from my sleep from completely crashing onto the floor as I realized the $30 bed frame I had bought from IKEA a year ago had decided to give out and break in some odd pieces. ‘SHIT,’ I said loudly in my head as I scrambled to pick myself up in the middle of the dark. I cannot afford a new bed, I told myself. But who’s crying. I’m not crying.

Some days before that, I found myself standing in front of an angry, screaming hair client who was hilariously upset that her appointment was 20 minutes late and wrongly blaming me for it. I’ve about had it with these over-privileged, entitled Manhattan women. I don’t remember saying much to her except wondering why I hadn’t vocally cussed her out and walked out on the job. But still, no tears.

A week before that, a statement came in the mail from Sallie Mae, threatening my account to go into default from my months of over delinquency. The minimum payment has reach $1500 per month. Default means they can now go straight into my paycheck each month and take out money. Is this a laughing matter? Absofuckinglutely not. But am I laughing? Yes. Why? I’m laughing to seal in the embarrassment. I’m laughing to repel the rejection. I’m laughing to justify the disappointment. I’m laughing to numb the pain. I’m laughing to push back the tears.

I am laughing to keep from crying.

Life is Sh--

Having my first cup of coffee before leaving the apartment for work, I wonder when the rain is going to stop falling. I cannot wait for a change; after all, at least something in my life has to transform, right? Although I have only been living in NYC for 8 months, it felt as if I been here for 8 years. I understand that I sound very dramatic right now; but in life; there are these moment where you wonder how different things could have been.

NYC -- the big apple, big enough for every body to have a little piece.  I am trying to get a piece of the big apple too- although I prefer orange. Being 21 and living in NYC is what lots of young individuals wish to accomplish. However, let me break the truth to all of you dreamers; in NYC, if you don’t have millions sitting in the bank, then your life is sh**.  I know that I am being a negative Nancy and life isn’t that bad, like my friend said, “From where you are standing, life aren’t bad.”  But when one have so much hope and expectation for yourself, life is sh** from anywhere.

            I am currently living paycheck to paycheck. Although there are no regrets of what I’ve done; I always wish that things would of turn out for the better. I am waiting for that big break from the world, that big moment when life will give me a corner stone to build that big pyramid to reach the top. Waiting to make the next step...

--Anonymous FIDM grad, Fashion Design 2011

NY Chapter: Holiday Dinner

Last Wednesday, approximately 120 FIDM graduates gathered at the Russian Tea Room in New York City to celebrate the 4th Annual Holiday Alumni Dinner. It was a night to remember as alums from as far as the 1977 to recent Fall 2011 graduates came together to meet, network, and connect with one another. From all the success stories and new endeavors, FIDM students and graduates are taking the industry by storm!

Many thanks for President Hohberg, Barbara Bundy, Sharon Ryan, Bill Cliatt, and Carrie Shay for making this all possible. And a very special thank you to our chapter president Rosa Rufino. What a fabulous event and cheers for more to come!

Photos courtesy of Steven Robinson.

Alexander McQueen SAVAGE BEAUTY at the Met

On July 16th, the FIDM NY Alumni Chapter organized a sort of "fieldtrip" for NY-based alums to see the acclaimed Alexander McQueen "Savage Beauty"exhibit at the Met. I went and I must say I am SO GLAD they did this for us... because just weeks later, the waiting time and line for this particular exhibition was literally out the door and around the block! By the last day, it was reported that Savage Beauty attracted over 600,000 visitors, a record for a fashion-related exhibit!! INSANE.

In my attempt to write about my experience at the Met... I came to the conclusion that it is hard, if not impossible, to put in words just how AMAZING it was. For those of you who were fortunate enough to see it, you should know what I mean... it was a completely indescribable experience. I will try to summarize though....

Our wait wasn't long... between catching up with old schoolmates, meeting new ones, and admiring the beautiful interiors of the Met, we got to the exhibit fairly quickly. From the moment you walk in to the very end... you are taken on a journey... one that I believe was a glimpse of Lee McQueen's mind. It felt like a dream... to be THIS close to his masterpieces. The ominous soundtrack in the background, the different eras... and the CLOTHES.... my god, I was at lost for words. From the impressive tailoring to the showstopping gowns to the sculptural corsets to the fantastical headpieces and accessories... oh and the hologram of Kate Moss was cool to watch and various videos from his runway archives brought everything to life. I completely drooled over all the one-of-a-kind, never before seen pieces from the Isabella Blow collection (on loan from the Hon. Daphne Guinness). Everything felt like a fantasy. A dark, gloomy yet beautifully crafted fantasy. My jaw was on the floor the entire way... my eyes wide... my heart beat-fully ran... and I gasped at almost every step. Here was a man who changed the way we look at fashion--even beyond fashion...every reference was something deep, a piece of history, a piece of ancestry, something that meant a lot to him. I admired the way he looked into the ugly of things and made it beautiful. He saw things and knew things we often overlook. He made fashion come to life again.


Towards the end as I stared deeply into his final collection, I couldn't help but get emotional. Lee is no longer here with us, I instantly remembered to myself. He was an artist. That is no question. Savage Beauty... what a way to commemorate a legend, the presentation rightfully honored him the way it should. I will never forget how moved I was and I am grateful for such an experience. Many thanks to the curator at the Met for putting on such a presentation... it not only praises a genius of our time, but affirms once again that FASHION IS ART.

#LongLiveMcQueen

Check out Natalie Alvarado's coverage from the exhibit with great candid photos right from her iphone!

Moving to the Big City

It wasn’t long ago when I was discussing with my family for long hours about pursing my career. They questioned why I would move away to pursue a dream of becoming a Fashion Designer? They thought I should be more realistic and stay home and study, law, or medicine. I didn’t take their opinion all too seriously.

Until I saw it on their faces on the day of my graduation at FIDM, had I realized that they were being serious… They really did think I wasn’t going to make it and that my next step would be a big mistake—they thought I was going to end up like one of those girls that move out of the house just to party and have fun, dropping classes and end up dropping out of school as well. That hurt the most. But as I was about to explode into tears, I realized—I had proven them wrong …and I can do it again.

But graduation was only the first step to a new life. I decided to move to New York City… after all is the city where dream are made of, WHY NOT?! I’ve heard that if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. Let’s just put this to the test.

Of course, at home… some thought the idea was crazy, others thought I was brave.
I didn’t know what to expect until I got here. Once I was in the city and felt the vibe, I was immediately in love with Manhattan.
I arrived in New York on September 7th Center, the day of the Fashion’s Night Out: The Show. When I passed by the Lincoln Center in the town car, they were setting up, at that moment, I felt the world stopped for a few seconds I felt my heart beating fast… and I thought to myself: I am finally HERE!

Then I arrived to my address, I was shocked! It must be a mistake. What is this hood? Living in LA, I was very spoiled. I lived just across the street from FIDM in a luxury apartment with doorman, pool, gym, sauna and a Ralphs across the street and of course, LOTS of space! I must have been crazy. Let’s not talk any more about my living situation. But moving to NY means sacrificing a few things.

Fast forward to surviving my first month as a New Yorker: I scored an interview and landed a job as an assistant designer, joined the gym, started paying for my own stuff, and shopped till I dropped! There were some nights when I wondered how I became so lucky, everything was on track.

A few months ago my company sold the brand that I work for. (Yikes!) In the beginning they said that everything was ok… NOT to look for another job because they were going to keep us all. Last week, the majority of the company was laid-off! 55 to be more exact and the new company took only 20 of those. My boss, the creative director and I ended up with no job. Now I’m back to square one.

Deep breath. This is how life is. I realize that nothing comes handed to you, and I remember those nights thinking that this was too good to be true… and it was. Now I am in the hunt again. Trying to be strong and stand still for whatever is to come. My friend said to me once that when you live in New York City, you are always looking for three things: an apartment, a love or a job. At this moment I am looking for all 3.

--Natalie Alvarado
FIDM Grad, Fashion Design, June 2010
Follow my personal journey on my blog.

I love Fashion September

...in New York City!

In a matter of 3 weeks, I've had the honor of meeting some of my favorite people in fashion and seeing in person some of the greatest, iconic fashion idols EVER.


That honor came a couple weeks back when I met Nina Garcia, Fashion Director of Marie Claire magazine. I didn't tell you all this before but I actually interviewed with MC for a fashion editorial internship--one that I had to turn down because I couldn't dedicate more than 3 days due to a full time job. However, I loved meeting Nina. Despite her catty, zero-tolerance attitude on Project Runway, this woman is so charming and sweet in person. She's so modest, too. I'm so much of a bigger fan today after meeting her!

Then Fashion's Night Out in September: I was a lucky attendee of FNO: The Show--an event that took place at Lincoln Center and brought out some of the biggest names in fashion. It was the night I stood next to Anna Wintour. Yes, THEE Anna Wintour and I nearly fell over. There was a single, special moment when she looked over at me and I swear I was going to DIE. I could almost feel her death stare literally piercing through her dark Chanel shades. After mingling with other fashion aficionados, I had the privilege of meeting so many great industry insiders including: the fantastic Grace Cottington, the very cute designers of Proenza Schouler, Michael Kors, Jason Wu, Style.com's Candy Pratts Price, and Diane von Furstenberg. It was a night to remember and a FIDM girl's dream...The runway show itself, if you saw in live-streaming, was just AMAZING. Sorry, I have no other words to describe it. Every key trend for fall was right on the beat. Hats off to Anna and the Vogue team. My jaw was on the floor outfit after outfit.

Then came New York Fashion Week: Although I wasn't exactly in the tents (or the "studio" / "theater" now that it's been moved to Lincoln Center), when FASHION WEEK is going on in your city, how could you not stop by and watch? :) I sure did!

It was such a surreal moment for me... just people-watching. I couldn't help but think to myself: Here is where it all happens! Fashion is so alive here. I was so inspired. I felt like I was in fashion heaven!! Fashionistas wearing Balenciaga, Balmain, Celine, Louboutins, Birkins... all walked by as eye-candies for me.
Then I spotted Sarah Rutson walking out. Sarah is the Fashion Director of Lane Crawford, a store in Hong Kong that I've admired, researched, and studied thoroughly and did countless projects on during my FIDM years. Of course, my immediate reaction is "OMG OMG OMG! Is that...?! STFU! NO WAY!" But instinctively, I got up and ran after her. I didn't know what to say when I reached her but thankfully she was sweet enough to stop and talk to me. AHHHHH!!! :)

You know the feeling of not wanting to meet an idol or a celebrity because of fear that they won't be as pleasant in person as they are in your head? Well, this wasn't the case. Sarah was genuinely kind and as I stupidly ranted about her career and blah blah blah blah... she stopped to ask me my name, what I wanted to do, and if I'm studying fashion. Trust me, I'm still dying. What a DREAM!

Others spotted at Lincoln Center: Rachel Zoe (celebrity stylist), Linda Fargo (Berdorf Goodman), Robbie Myers & Joe Zee (Editors of ELLE), Joanne Coles (Marie Claire), Simon Doonan (Barney's), Carine Roitfeld (Paris Vogue), Virgina Smith (Vogue), Miss Jay (ANTM), Karl Lagerfeld, and Daphne Guinness (she almost gave me a heart-attack...I LOVE her).

As I'm still living off this Fashion Week's high, I'll tell you this much... Don't sit around waiting for things to happen. They call it "chasing your dreams" for a reason. For me, it was a dream come true to be in the presence of many fashion's greatness. But you won't be seeing me holding my breath or waiting for something big to happen next. If I want to get to where I want to be, I have a lot of work to do. The best is yet to come because I'm still very new in this industry and there's still SO MUCH to learn. In the meantime, with all my new material, I'm able to keep my style blog up again!

Until next time.
xoxo,
FIDM Blog Girl from thefidmlife
(& FIDM grad!)