Laughing To Keep From Crying

A heavy weigh felt like it was dropped on my shoulders as I stood in front of a Wells Fargo ATM machine, withdrawing my last $20 bill from my account. I took the money and quickly stashed it carefully into my wallet. ‘This is it,’ I thought to myself. As I walked home, carrying the very last change I have left to my name, I couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of calmness. With my shoulders still dropped and my head down, I wondered why I wasn’t at the brink of tears. This $20 has to last me for the next 3 days until I finally get paid. Wouldn’t that make one nervous? But I wasn’t crying. Nope. I wasn’t anxious or nervous, or even worried. Have I finally become numb enough to not feel anything anymore?

It has been 6 months since I have been “let go” from the company I had been working for since my move to New York City and 4 months since I have been off Unemployment. I have been living—literally—paycheck to paycheck, stretching every penny as far as I could, and have yet to secure a real, full time job that’ll put me back above the poverty line. Has my life really come to this? Yes. Do I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom? I don’t know. Right now I can’t feel a thing. Again, no tears.

That same morning, I had an interview with a company I am hoping to work for. The interview was informal and held over coffee at the café inside the New York Times building. I couldn’t even afford my own cup of coffee. It was $2.72. You have to laugh. It was 2 fucking dollars and seventy-two fucking cents and my card got declined. In this situation, you can't cry. You really have to laugh. I'm still waiting to hear back about the job.

Two nights before that, I was woken up from my sleep from completely crashing onto the floor as I realized the $30 bed frame I had bought from IKEA a year ago had decided to give out and break in some odd pieces. ‘SHIT,’ I said loudly in my head as I scrambled to pick myself up in the middle of the dark. I cannot afford a new bed, I told myself. But who’s crying. I’m not crying.

Some days before that, I found myself standing in front of an angry, screaming hair client who was hilariously upset that her appointment was 20 minutes late and wrongly blaming me for it. I’ve about had it with these over-privileged, entitled Manhattan women. I don’t remember saying much to her except wondering why I hadn’t vocally cussed her out and walked out on the job. But still, no tears.

A week before that, a statement came in the mail from Sallie Mae, threatening my account to go into default from my months of over delinquency. The minimum payment has reach $1500 per month. Default means they can now go straight into my paycheck each month and take out money. Is this a laughing matter? Absofuckinglutely not. But am I laughing? Yes. Why? I’m laughing to seal in the embarrassment. I’m laughing to repel the rejection. I’m laughing to justify the disappointment. I’m laughing to numb the pain. I’m laughing to push back the tears.

I am laughing to keep from crying.

Life is Sh--

Having my first cup of coffee before leaving the apartment for work, I wonder when the rain is going to stop falling. I cannot wait for a change; after all, at least something in my life has to transform, right? Although I have only been living in NYC for 8 months, it felt as if I been here for 8 years. I understand that I sound very dramatic right now; but in life; there are these moment where you wonder how different things could have been.

NYC -- the big apple, big enough for every body to have a little piece.  I am trying to get a piece of the big apple too- although I prefer orange. Being 21 and living in NYC is what lots of young individuals wish to accomplish. However, let me break the truth to all of you dreamers; in NYC, if you don’t have millions sitting in the bank, then your life is sh**.  I know that I am being a negative Nancy and life isn’t that bad, like my friend said, “From where you are standing, life aren’t bad.”  But when one have so much hope and expectation for yourself, life is sh** from anywhere.

            I am currently living paycheck to paycheck. Although there are no regrets of what I’ve done; I always wish that things would of turn out for the better. I am waiting for that big break from the world, that big moment when life will give me a corner stone to build that big pyramid to reach the top. Waiting to make the next step...

--Anonymous FIDM grad, Fashion Design 2011

Waiting for Superman...?

In response to "Waiting for Superman"

When I was a student at FIDM, I had my worries and angst too. I am now a graduate, living in New York City. Alas, those worries still linger as I am only a recent grad, working my way up. I understand completely everything that the above blog post addresses--and I believe that this is something that should be voiced out, however, one thing that I'd like to add is that it's not JUST us. Singling out FIDM as a school where its grads "aren't getting jobs" or instructors "aren't fully qualified" may hold truth to only a limited extent. I have voiced out these same concerns to my friends, friend from other schools... Cal State's, UC's, private 4-year schools, and Ivy-League schools.... I have friends who have graduated from prominent Universities stressing to me that it's not just me or any FIDM grads... "We're not getting jobs either" and "it's not JUST the apparel industry"... the jobless crisis has hit ALL.
Of course we can't expect to get the DREAM JOB right after graduation, but what we're up against during this interesting economic time is an even bigger issue. Some blame may rightly begin at the schools (e.g. "waiting for superman") but our current, depressing economic state as a country has colossally effected the job market--especially the design and luxury business. And I am not trying to justify anything either, I am only bringing to light another factor as to why our Alums may still be juggling with unemployment concerns. Again, I am NOT choosing sides. I appreciate the perspectives that other students share via thefidmlife blog so I encourage you all to keep sending them. This is YOUR chance to be heard.

- thefidmlife founder

So it begins...

The path after FIDM has been brutal... BRUTAL! It was soo safe being in school surrounded by people who shared the same passion and love for fashion. Now I'm in real life mode. After years of trying to get to NY, the HOME of those same like-minded individuals ACTUALLY doing what they love, I'm here and it's even harder getting into the field, I spent so much money trying to attain.

Here it goes... After a year of being done with school and in dead end jobs... I finally found an incredible opportunity... the closest to fashion as I could get. I'm now working in a pretty high position in a well known "salon". I love what I'm doing, don't get me wrong, it's just NOT enough. I'm now near my fashion idol more so than I ever was. DVF... You know, Diane?... as in Diane von Furstenberg.

I met this gracious woman at her fragrance launch at Sephora in Soho not too long ago. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I was shaking for crying out loud!! I never get star struck... but it's DIANE VON FURSTENBERG... she's not JUST a star... she's a LEGEND... an ICON... she's amazing!

I had a nice chat with her, everything from my family, my education, my dreams [of working for her], just about anything a girl could hope to talk to her idol about. From then on, it was my sole purpose and mission to work for her.

On 11/11/11 I had a nice article written about my plans for the historical day. Of course I said, "Walk into DVF and ask for a job.." and did I do that? You bet. Well... after some coaxing from my dear friend, and partner in crime, T.

I walked into the Meatpacking shop and spoke to the manager. She was so intrigued by my story and even wanted me to email her the article I was in. But sadly, after 4 emails, she came back to tell me that she "wishes me luck in my job search and there is no open positions.."

That didn't stop me.. no way. I then walked into the Soho shop and even handed them a beautifully DVF adorned resume that would make Diane, herself, blush. "It's so pretty!" The assistant manager of that shop exclaimed, as she handed me her business card to follow up. Two days later and 3 emails to the assistant manager and I still have no response. Can't they just rip that bandaid off and tell me NO!! what's with this game?

During our FIDM Alumni Holiday Party (and about 3 bottles of wine into the event), and hearing each Alum announce what they were doing.. I felt like someone slapped me in the face. "What was I doing wrong?" I had all the experience, held high positions at jobs and had an immense background with internships, education and freelance work. I just don't get it.

Now, here I am. FINALLY, submitting a post. Am I the only Post FIDM Lifer out there going through this? Do any of you share my woes?

NY Chapter: Holiday Dinner

Last Wednesday, approximately 120 FIDM graduates gathered at the Russian Tea Room in New York City to celebrate the 4th Annual Holiday Alumni Dinner. It was a night to remember as alums from as far as the 1977 to recent Fall 2011 graduates came together to meet, network, and connect with one another. From all the success stories and new endeavors, FIDM students and graduates are taking the industry by storm!

Many thanks for President Hohberg, Barbara Bundy, Sharon Ryan, Bill Cliatt, and Carrie Shay for making this all possible. And a very special thank you to our chapter president Rosa Rufino. What a fabulous event and cheers for more to come!

Photos courtesy of Steven Robinson.

For all our Alums in NYC...

Alexander McQueen SAVAGE BEAUTY at the Met

On July 16th, the FIDM NY Alumni Chapter organized a sort of "fieldtrip" for NY-based alums to see the acclaimed Alexander McQueen "Savage Beauty"exhibit at the Met. I went and I must say I am SO GLAD they did this for us... because just weeks later, the waiting time and line for this particular exhibition was literally out the door and around the block! By the last day, it was reported that Savage Beauty attracted over 600,000 visitors, a record for a fashion-related exhibit!! INSANE.

In my attempt to write about my experience at the Met... I came to the conclusion that it is hard, if not impossible, to put in words just how AMAZING it was. For those of you who were fortunate enough to see it, you should know what I mean... it was a completely indescribable experience. I will try to summarize though....

Our wait wasn't long... between catching up with old schoolmates, meeting new ones, and admiring the beautiful interiors of the Met, we got to the exhibit fairly quickly. From the moment you walk in to the very end... you are taken on a journey... one that I believe was a glimpse of Lee McQueen's mind. It felt like a dream... to be THIS close to his masterpieces. The ominous soundtrack in the background, the different eras... and the CLOTHES.... my god, I was at lost for words. From the impressive tailoring to the showstopping gowns to the sculptural corsets to the fantastical headpieces and accessories... oh and the hologram of Kate Moss was cool to watch and various videos from his runway archives brought everything to life. I completely drooled over all the one-of-a-kind, never before seen pieces from the Isabella Blow collection (on loan from the Hon. Daphne Guinness). Everything felt like a fantasy. A dark, gloomy yet beautifully crafted fantasy. My jaw was on the floor the entire way... my eyes wide... my heart beat-fully ran... and I gasped at almost every step. Here was a man who changed the way we look at fashion--even beyond fashion...every reference was something deep, a piece of history, a piece of ancestry, something that meant a lot to him. I admired the way he looked into the ugly of things and made it beautiful. He saw things and knew things we often overlook. He made fashion come to life again.


Towards the end as I stared deeply into his final collection, I couldn't help but get emotional. Lee is no longer here with us, I instantly remembered to myself. He was an artist. That is no question. Savage Beauty... what a way to commemorate a legend, the presentation rightfully honored him the way it should. I will never forget how moved I was and I am grateful for such an experience. Many thanks to the curator at the Met for putting on such a presentation... it not only praises a genius of our time, but affirms once again that FASHION IS ART.

#LongLiveMcQueen

Check out Natalie Alvarado's coverage from the exhibit with great candid photos right from her iphone!